5 Keys to Communicating Needs in a Relationship
All humans have needs. Couples communicating and conveying these needs to each other can be difficult. When in a relationship, communicating these needs to our partners becomes even more complex with the physical and emotional ties we have with one another. Couples communicating their needs and having them met within the relationship can be an enriching experience but does not always happen. Often the needs can be misunderstood, or we simply fear however we communicate our needs the partner will refuse to meet them.
Couples communicating their core needs of how they feel loved and secure in the relationship are non-negotiable. When partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If this pattern continues with needs not being met, the relationship begins to harbor contempt. Contempt can be the most destructive behavior in a relationship. Do not fear, contempt can be combated. How couples meet each other’s needs can be negotiable. Communication is the key for this negotiation. Here are 5 keys to aiding in couples communicating their needs:
1. Identify the Need
This is the most essential part of couples communicating because it can be difficult for us as individuals looking inward and identifying what is the underlying need not being met which is making me so annoyed or irritated. Let alone, try to then share that underlying need to our partner. Most of the time, the annoyance comes out in daily mundane activities such as taking out the trash, doing the dishes, or not picking up around the house.
These mundane activities not being done can be turned towards the partner and the actions they are doing or not doing. The annoyance and frustration comes from the underlying need. These underlying needs can be simple or complex such as feeling as if there needs to be a better split with chores or feeling utterly alone or unnoticed in the relationship. The next time you find yourself feeling deeply frustrated about a seemingly small issue, take a moment, look inward, and think is there a deeper need not being met in my relationship.
2. Timing
Once the unmet need has been identified, it is important to have decent timing with when the need is being presented. We live in an imperfect world which means there is no ideal time for these tougher conversations. It is never helpful to bring up the unmet need in the heat of an argument. When in a reactive place, it is impossible to absorb and respond in a helpful manner to what the other is saying. The best time is when we are calm and relaxed. When calm, our defenses are down, and we can take in what is being said.
3. Presentation
Our first instinct is usually to identify and share what our partner is doing wrong instead of coming from what we feel or need. Even though these wrong-doings may be valid and true, your partner will be inclined to react with defensiveness, and miss the need you are trying to express. It can be very emotional and vulnerable to share your needs which are not being met, but if you are intentionally coming from an “I” place can help the conversation. For example, “I feel really upset because I feel like I am invisible to you recently,” instead of saying “When you stomp around the house, I feel like you don’t care about me.”
4. Listen for Understanding
In an ideal world, our partner would respond directly to the need with deep understanding and devotion. Sadly, we live in a flawed world. It is more likely our partner will respond from their own wounds and unmet needs. We need to try our best listening for understanding instead of listening to respond. Listening for understanding means we are reiterating what we are hearing from one another, sharing why these things are important, and coordinating how we are going move forward now that we are aware of each other’s needs. Remember through this process, remain calm and relaxed. Listen with patience and keep talking from the vulnerable place. This process will aid in learning so much about each other and can lead to having our needs met.
5. Seek Support
Relationships are hard work and involve complicated emotions. It is normal for needs and wants to not always be met in a relationship. If communication appears to be constantly causing distress or pushing buttons of frustration or misunderstanding, it may be time to seek support. Couples therapy is an excellent way to work through these patterns to deepen understanding and create positive shifts in the relationship to aid in couples communicating their needs more efficiently. Pinnacle Counseling has exceptional therapists who can help if you are noticing these concerns in your relationship.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is a blog written and edited by Allison Bozovsky, LMFT. As the owner of this blog, this is a tool to share my own thoughts, feelings, and expertise on social sciences for informational purposes only. The information is no reflection of my current employer. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or therapeutic services.